I plagiarized the two short sentences that are the title of today’s post. They are printed next to a billboard-sized picture of Debbie which is featured on a billboard-sized billboard along a major highway on which I often travel.
The billboard is advertising the results of surgery that Debbie underwent at the offices of Acme Plastic Surgery Associates. I don’t know Debbie and even if I did, I would not be so unkind as to write unkind words about her for millions of people to read. But I believe that my legions of faithful readers would be bitterly disappointed if I did not expound upon the truth as I see it. My apologies to Debbie who I am sure is a lovely person.
Before we go any further, let me say that this will not an anti-cosmetic surgery rant. I LOVE capitalism and firmly believe that is none of my business how people choose to spend their hard-earned money. Additionally, the fact that I have spent millions on hair color would completely negate any self-righteous diatribe on the subject.
My issue is one of semantics.
Debbie is a pretty lady somewhere between, I’m guessing, 45 and 55 years old. Her skin is as smooth and clear as a 20 year old supermodel. Let’s assume that she was a wrinkly, unattractive mess prior to her visit to Acme Plastic Surgery Associates. The fact that Acme is shouting from a billboard that Debbie now radiates billboard-sized confidence makes me want to projectile vomit.
Because I thought ‘confidence‘ was a powerful side effect of ‘accomplishment‘.
As in, “I have the education and experience to apply for the VP position that just opened at the company I work for” or, “After faithfully working out at the gym for three years, I can easily deadlift 100 pounds” or “I am looking forward to tutoring high school students who are struggling in their advanced organic chemistry class” or “I make the best sugarless, gluten-free, high-fiber, organic chocolate cake on the planet!”
Until today, I was unaware that confidence is for sale at the office of the local plastic surgeon. Maybe I have been wasting time educating myself, dedicating myself to a life’s purpose or setting any type of goal.
If the ad agency that created Acme’s billboard was honest, they would have suggested the catchy phrase, “Meet Debbie who feels prettier after her visit to Acme.”
Gack, I couldn’t bear to spend 3 seconds in the presence of a woman who felt more confident after a face-lift. What a complete and total vacuous bore. If however, that same woman told me she felt prettier after a face lift, I would understand. I personally would feel a lot sexier if I could trade in my AAA-cup training bra for a lacy, underwire C-cup.
Oh shoot, just ignore this post. It seems that I CAN buy confidence!